CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

Leonard did not have the same ability as Helen to philosophize about the past and look forward to the future. His future was not nearly as easy or bright. He could think of nothing but his own guilt. He was miserable. He would often wake up in the middle of the night, with pains in his chest, crying, "My God, what have I done?" Nothing could ease his pain.

He was unable to see that evening with Helen clearly anymore. All of the romance that surrounded them, the influence of Evie's party on each of their moods was forgotten. All that he knew was that he had done something wrong, and not just to his wife, but to Helen as well. He felt that she was like a ruined work of art, and he was responsible for her ruin.

The morning after his encounter with Helen, he awakened and found that she had already gone and left a letter behind. She had accidentally taken his and Jacky's train tickets. They were forced to use almost all of the money they had in the world just to get back to London. And when Helen's brother tried to give him her money, Leonard could not accept it. He would have rather become a beggar. And that is just what he did, although he begged only from his family.

He sent letters to his brother and sister, and they, pitying him, sent money. He was able to live this way for quite a while, and even found it unnecessary to get a job. But his relatives started to hate him for his regular requests, although this never prevented them from sending money.

What gave Leonard a purpose in life was the pity he felt for his wife. If he had not been married, he probably would have let himself disappear altogether and die. However, he had Jacky to take care of, and he would do anything, even the dirtiest of jobs, to make sure she always had a roof over her head.

One day, as Leonard was walking into a church to view one of his favorite pictures that hung within, he saw Margaret and Tibby passing by in a taxi. His first idea was to run away and hide himself. However, very quickly, a new feeling came over him. He wanted to tell Margaret everything, to admit his crime. He wanted her to judge him, to either punish or forgive him. He did not care which.

He went to Wickham Place one evening, but found that the Schlegels were no longer living there. Eventually, after researching at the library and asking around Mr Wilcox's office, he found Margaret's new address at Ducie Street. He went there on a Monday, but was told by the servant that she and Mr Wilcox had gone to Howards End in Hilton. This had, in fact, been the same day they had gone to capture Helen. But, of course, Leonard knew nothing at all about that.

He returned home that evening and tried to sleep, but found it difficult because of the need he felt to tell someone the truth about himself. The moon also kept him awake, its light somehow sending down its judgment upon him. He decided to go out.

He went to the train station, bought a ticket to Hilton, and arrived in the little town very early in the morning. Although he still felt the pain of guilt deep inside himself, the beauty of the land he had passed through during the train ride had somehow also made his sadness beautiful. Something wonderful was awakening within him. It was the awareness that he had done nothing wrong, but with a remaining desire to give his apologies to Margaret, anyway. Most of all, he wanted to know how Helen was.

He found the house and noticed that the front door was open. He could hear voices inside, and he entered following the sound. He felt both frightened and cheerful. He felt that he was doing the right thing. He knew exactly what he was going to say: "Mrs Wilcox, I'm sorry for what I've done." Then he heard someone mention his name. It was a voice he did not recognize. Then a young man appeared.

"Ah, look! He has come, after all! And now I will beat him until he's nearly dead!" And the man came at him with a shiny stick of some kind. Leonard spoke: "Mrs Wilcox, I'm sorry for what I've done."

And then the stick came down on him. Screams followed. Although he was struck on the head, he felt an awful pain in his heart. He fell to the floor.

"Get up, you idiot!" Charles shouted in uncontrolled anger. "Look at him. He's faking! I didn't strike him that hard."

Margaret and Helen ran over to Leonard and poured water over his bleeding wound, but it was useless. He was dead.

(end of section)